They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
