I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
