8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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