i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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