Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize