i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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