I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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