guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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