I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
from now on my penis is your penis
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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