; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
