I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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