I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
