The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
