I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
