I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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