Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
