then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
