i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
