At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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