marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
