my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
