I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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