I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
