Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
