Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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