Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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