Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
