found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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