I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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