I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
