sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
