Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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