Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
