Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
