you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
