I want to have your abortion
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
