So gin and wine won't be happening again
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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