and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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