Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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