K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
