I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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