if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
