How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
