he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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