I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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