last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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