I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Floor bacon is actually really good
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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