Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize