I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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