It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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