If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
