I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think my vagina is haunted
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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