Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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