cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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