this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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