We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize