There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
