every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
