Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize