So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
