While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
