remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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